Audiobook Edition of Necessaries Available Now!

I was going to try to do some kind of April Fools stunt related to making an audiobook... but then I actually made the audiobook. Well, a first chapter. A very amateur first chapter... but one with music and intro/outro tags and half-decent editing. Yeah... I have a long way to go, and I still gotta figure out how to do Lucy's voice. But it's a thing! A fun little thing!

OK, I know you're waiting for the Rick Roll. Dude, that was so, um, however many years ago that was. Stop being so paranoid.

Anyway, I'm a big fan of audiobooks and podiobooks. I listen to free podiobooks when I exercise or draw or when I'm doing monotonous work. They're a great way of reading when you don't actually have the time to read. If there are other folks like me out there who prefer their books read to them (even by an amateur like me), maybe I'll release more episodes. 

Let me know if this is something you want more of in the future. If enough people are interested, I'll continue recording and releasing chapters as a free weekly podcast. So tell me if you're interested!

By the way, the theme music for this episode is "Waking Up (Instrumental)" by Dexter Britain. Go check him out!

I Stood on a Stage and Did a Thing

Picture of me doing the thing I said I was doing in the title of this entry.

Right in the middle of a big misprint fiasco, I attended the 2016 Gathering of Writers in downtown Indianapolis. My nerves were shattered from finding a giant mistake in the printing of the version of Necessaries I was finally able to get onto Amazon, so I wasn't sure I could get in the "HELL YEAH WRITING" mood. 

Despite being a pouty poop, I volunteered to read first at the open mic, and I'm so, so glad I did. It's been a long time since I've been on a stage, and when I got off, Kelsey used her fancy sci-fi phone to check my pulse. 130. Appropriate for running from bears and/or reading a small passage from a self-published novel. 

Anyway, I didn't get a recording of my reading, but wanted to share the excerpt here! Enjoy!

“The ceiling of the old stone church was so high and black that it should have contained stars. Preston’s eyes were magnetically drawn to the vast space above, hoping for an indication that there was in fact a roof and uncharacteristically anxious about the fact that he couldn’t tell. For the first time in a long while, he felt the urge to run from the magnificent unknown. He gripped the edge of his pew to prevent being sucked into the nothingness above, knowing full well he was acting like a child hiding under his sheets from make-believe monsters.

”I can’t believe how many people are here, can you?” Bernadette whispered to him before noticing his hold on his seat. “Hey, are you okay?”

”Only a little impatient,” Preston replied. “We’ve been here for twenty minutes now, and I haven’t seen anyone else arrive or depart. When’s your ‘Danielle’ going to show up?”

Bernadette frowned. “She didn’t give me an exact time. If I didn’t know better, I’d think we’d been tricked into attending a vigil.”

The atmosphere of the abandoned church did resemble a vigil or prayer meeting. The heterogeneous congregation that filled the crooked, rotting pews mostly sat with their heads bent and hands folded. Aside from the occasional cough, the sanctuary was silent. The stone walls kept the place cool and dark, and the only light came from the candles arranged around the pulpit. Their glow illuminated the busted, half-canvassed stained glass behind the altar. What was left of the enormous window depicted an awkwardly cubist-inspired crucifix. In it, Christ was a gangly, angular, gray-bodied humanoid on his bloodied cross. The red of his many wounds blazed in the candlelight against the gray and blue-scale background. Someone had thrown a rock through Jesus’ face. ”

— Necessaries, Chapter 20

Bad at Healthing

Click the pic for the original set of baby instruction comics. They're all quality as heck.

I'm a giant baby about my health. Down to the crying and the chubby cheeks. I expect to naturally stay in shape without doing anything special, and when my late-night-pizza-and-cocktails diet and office-based lifestyle do me wrong, I'm inexplicably surprised.

Since this post is the sequel-in-spirit to my "Bad at Moving" entry, let's explore this phenomenon in list form. First, here's a snapshot of me when I lived alone for two years:

• Office-lifestyle, but augmented by the constant, heart-exploding terror of a high-pressure job with mandatory overtime and enormous consequences for minuscule slip-ups. It's easy to burn calories when your "resting" heartbeat is 160 bpm and your autonomic nervous system responds to the sound of a ringing phone in the same way that a caveman's would respond to a roaring lion.
• Bachelor meals composed of raw carrots and ramen (I could afford better, mind you. I'm just, as I previously stated, an plus-size lady-infant).
• A devotion to my true religion, Sleep, in pursuit of which I never allowed myself a night shorter than 7 hours.
• A willingness to look like an idiot as I exercised in my apartment while watching "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
• An awareness that my too-lazy-to-eat college diet and the constant physical requirements of marching with tenor drums are no more, and so adjustments must be made.

And a snapshot of me now:

• Office-lifestyle in which, while I'm kept busy and work hard on important projects, I spend less time fighting debilitating panic attacks and more time snacking on the stash of emergency pistachios hidden behind my hanging filer (don't tell me you don't have an emergency stash of pistachios, you filthy liar). 
• Irregular meals that I typically take at around midnight, when my roommates get back from their jobs (they have two jobs each). Sometimes I cook the meal, and since I'm cooking for more than myself, I often overdo portions or rely on cheap, prepackaged foods. Sometimes, since nobody has the time, energy, or money for regular grocery expeditions, we fall back on the inexpensive and easily obtained pizza from the shop both roommates work at.
• 6 hour sleeps are a luxury, but it's usually closer to 5 if I want to spend any quality time with Kelsey, who routinely works 16 hour days.
• An unfounded feeling of guilt if I exercise at the YMCA or in the less-workout-friendly new apartment without one or both roommies, since I either have limited time to hang with them, or they have little time to exercise with me and are left behind.
• I got no excuse for being like this. I want to come home, work on my writing, do marketing work for my existing novel, and (lesbi-honest), kick back and watch some cartoons to decompress.

Kelsey reasons that maybe I'm fat and happy. The past year has been pretty brutal, and it's just now getting sunnier. Guess I can't rely on constant anxiety and self-hatred to burn my calories and stop me from eating everything in sight. But, much like the act of moving, "healthing" can be broken into digestible pieces as well:

• Adhering to the serving size - this means counting out 15 sad little Wheat Thins, scarfing down the first 10, and then deliberately licking the seasoning off of the remaining 5 before eating them in mouse-sized bites to trick yourself into believing you ate a satisfying amount of food.
• Taking the stairs, even though you're wearing heels, and your life flashes before your eyes with each step. Better yet is going down metal stairs in heels, which sounds like someone rhythmically firing a revolver into a locker room for however many flights it takes to get to your destination.
• Not going out to eat.
• Crying because you're not going out to eat.
• Counting out a serving of veggie straws instead of going out to eat.
• Crying onto the veggie straws and watching them turn to mush (but at least they're sufficiently salty now).
• Exercising at the Y and wondering where your outfit stands on the scale of Professional Gym Bunny to I Didn't Realize This Was a Gym but I'm Stuck Here Now So I Should Pretend to Exercise.
• Exercising at the Y and wondering if the "real" gym people can smell your fear as you try a new and elaborate piece of equipment.
• Getting off the new and elaborate piece of equipment and walking with a gait that can usually only be acquired by drinking and riding a Clydesdale all day.
• Crying because maybe that also burns calories?
• Mixing vodka with your SlimFast shake to produce the most disappointing cousin of a White Russian imaginable and naming it a Skinny Russkiy.
• Drinking water partly because health professionals say you should, mostly so the Skinny Russkiy doesn't get its revenge on you in the morning.
• Stepping on the scale after a week of portion control, water-drinking, and exercising only to discover you've gained 5 pounds anyway.

I have a long way to go with this junk (in my trunk), especially with a wedding on the horizon. Sure, it's in late autumn, but what about dress fittings? How does that work, anyway?

Boy, it's a weird world. Healthing is hard. Wish me luck, and keep those cheese-and-tater recipes off of my Facebook newsfeed. 

Pride, Predicaments, and a Car Named Thelonious

It finally happened. Elvis, my beloved Honda Element, met his demise a couple weeks ago. My first wreck, and he was totaled. Seven cars piled up to avoid one idiot who stopped in the middle of the road because of a pothole that would make the Grand Canyon look like a crack in the sidewalk. Farewell, sweet, boxy angel. 

And hello, Thelonious! I'm back on the road again in a car that is probably only a few cans of rocket fuel and a set of wings from being space-worthy. Who knew cars had advanced so much since 2003? I mean, remote lock/unlock, backup camera, mirrors in the visors... I'm in a whole new era. If you see a vibrantly chartreuse Honda Fit roaming the North side of Indy, it's probably me. She's not a subtle ride.

Clearly, things have been a little backed up over here. BUT! My Go Fund Me campaign succeeded, thanks to all you beautiful people! I've officially registered for my booth at Circle City IN Pride. Necessaries will be up for sale at the festival on June 11th at a special Pride discount. Plus, I'll probably have some cute goodies to give away. More on that as we approach the day itself.

And, well, that's today's kinda boring update. I plan to post some interesting new content soon, but for now, I've got some rewards to send out. Thank you, everyone! :D 

Being Gay Is Really Expensive

That Jim Carrey movie was right.

First of all, thanks to everyone who showed up to support me this weekend! I sold 11 copies of Necessaries (and not just to family members, either) and met some marvelous local writers whom I hope to see again. 

But there's no time for rest! Now, my eyes are set on the Circle City IN Pride Festival on June 11th! I hope to get an artist booth so I can promote and sell my book to the folks there. More than superheroes, more than aliens, more than comic book antics, this book is about people. Regular people. Regular gay or asexual or transgender people in particular. I can think of no greater venue than Pride for this book to be.

So, as guilty as it makes me feel in a weird way, I set up a Go Fund Me for the $200 I need to get that booth. Rewards for donations start at $5 and include sketches, signed books, and more.

Listen, the page itself sums up how incredibly important this event is to me. Even if you can't donate (which, trust me, I completely understand), take a look at my page. It'll at least be entertaining, yeah?

Not to worry. My next entry will be something unrelated to my book. I'm sure you're feeling a little warn out by now. Stay tuned for something new!